NO ONE WARNED ME THIS WAS A MUSICAL.
Is there an award for worst musical of all time? If so, Popeye should get it. If not, make one and call it The Popeye. This unfocused, unpolished borefest would be more appropriately set to a series of yawns than to music.
THE PLOT:
Popeye rows into an impoverished shanty town looking for his pops, Poopdeck Pappy, who had abandoned him when he was two years old. Instead of welcome, he finds an unusually passive-aggressive and cruel town in which everything is taxed – including asking questions about why you are being taxed. This is about the same time Olive Oyl is trying to weasel her way out of her 4th engagement…this one being to Bluto, who is large. We know he is bad because he is large. Also, he is large. The movie says this explicitly many, many times. There’s even a whole song about it. The lyrics are, “He’s large. Large. Large. Large. Large. Large. Large.”
He also gives a lot of stern looks. Like, 90% of the time.
Anywhoozle, Popeye isn’t welcomed into town mostly because he looks kind of funny, which is ridiculous in a town of people who also look funny and have cartoon sound effects come out of them, but all he wants is to find his dear old dad.
Sounds like a plot point, right? Wrong. This problem is solved right quick when Olive, trying to escape her brutish fiancé, finds a baby on the dock with Popeye. So, then the baby seems like a plot point, right? Wrong. Popeye and Olive are falling in love.
Now we must really be getting to the plot! Nope. The baby can tell the future! Wimpy makes a bunch of money from the baby but looses it when Popeye finds out the baby (Sweet Pea) is being used. He moves out of the Oyl’s house and Olive (instead of being sorry for condoning the use of baby) is happy to see Popeye sad and needing her.
Back to love plot? Ha! Now Bluto trades a hamburger to steal the baby, simultaneous to Popeye accidentally becoming town hero when he topples the Tax Man into the water (somehow causing a crazy power overthrow that is not explained). Getting that baby back would theortically become the plot, but instead we find out Bluto has been working with Popeye’s Pappy, who is actually like an evil Popeye.
Pappy mutters just like Popeye, but mostly just says the word “ass” over and over. Charming.
Bluto and Pappy fight, Bluto ties him up and goes treasure hunting with baby. Popeye finds his Pappy, awkward reunion, they chase Bluto, there’s a regular fight and an octopus fight.
Right in the beard!
It turns out the treasure chest is full of Pappy’s old memorabilia about Popeye (who he claimed not to remember or love) that he gifts to the baby. Popeye refuses to eat spinach, but then he does. Bluto swims away. THE END.
So, what is the plot?
Fuck if I know. This unfocused hodgepodge is like every idea anyone ever had for a Popeye movie ever, all mixed up into one terrible “musical” (and I really am using that term loosely). But have no fear! They’ll have another chance to add more mockery to the lore in Popeye 2014 (Seriously).
THE GOOD:
I actually didn’t know Robin Williams was in this when I started it, and I have to say I was pleasantly surprised by his version of Popeye. His little twerks and his muttering to himself was really spot on to the original character. I did joke to myself about Popeye’s potential cocaine addiction (which might be the only way the world of this film would make sense anyway) but if you can get past Robin Williams being…well, himself, and buy into the character, it really is a great match, and I feel I can add this to my list of Movies I love Robin Williams In That I Didn’t Expect To Love Him In (#1 on that list being One Hour Photo).
Shelley Duvall’s Olive Oyl was pretty good, too. Although I found her annoying by the end of the movie (which was humorous when no one was saving her – as if everyone else was also like, “MAYBE IF YOU’D SHUT UP ONCE IN A WHILE!”) But she really does nail the cartoon Olive Oyl come to life.
I wish I could make up that they call this an “octopussy” the whole time. Anyone else for some Popeye/tentacle porn cross over?
And, both of their costumes were really great. That was probably the best part of it. Popeye and Olive’s costumes. But, it’s hard to base watching a whole movie off of that.
I mean, they don’t look like anyone else besides Popeye and Olive, right?
The physical comedy throughout Popeye is pretty well done. As a film maker I know some of that is really tough to pull off. I’m not sure I agree with using cartoon sound effects over the natural setting (sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t), but it was at least consistent.
THE BAD:
This shouldn’t be called a musical. Whoever wrote this has no idea of what a musical even resembles. 90% of every song is some sentence or word repeated over and over, and there’s no rise or fall to the tune or time – so the songs that do happen on climactic moments (if they can be called that) have no sense of climax. The whole movie feels as 2D as the original cartoon drawings.
There’s a lot of inconsistency in this film – sometimes all the people hate Popeye, sometimes they love him. Sometimes Popeye mutters funny side comments, sometimes he rambles incoherently like a failing English Second Language student. Sometimes he’s called by his name and sometimes he’s just called “The Sailor” (wouldn’t like, half the people be sailors? They live in a port town). Sometimes people are helping Popeye and sometimes they’re….trading his baby for a hamburger. It’s like no one has more than a two minute memory and no moral compass.
Everyone has this “Why am I here?” look on their face. I’m not sure if they don’t remember, or they want to forget they were even in this monstrosity of a “musical”.
“What were we doing again?”
Or, maybe everyone was just trying to figure out what the fuck was going on at that point in the script. The bland, blended medley of story lines is not easy to follow.
THE FINAL VERDICT:
I thought nothing could be worse than Apartment Whatever Number but I was so, so wrong. Nothing is worse than Popeye. Admittedly, I may be more disappointed in this movie because I was hoping for something unique and interesting to write about, and instead was handed a loosely sculpted pile of pelican shit. But who wouldn’t be? This movie gets a staggering 0.5 cans of spinach out of 5, only because I can’t think of a lower fraction to express that I somehow survived this, but I’m not sure how. And you can’t even see the whole “Popeye” label! For shame.
The Eyewash Station 