The Skulls

Are you ready for the most exciting crew race in the history of crew races? Are you a conspiracy nut who wants a look at the formation of the Secret Societies ™ that run our great country? Do you believe in the Ivy League but are just a stupid townie? THEN DO I HAVE A MOVIE FOR YOU!

Growing up in an era of recession-inspired movies has left me with a dollar-sign shaped hole in my heart. It’s hard to find high society flicks these days unless you dust off American Psycho or do the time warp into Marie Antoinette. Thankfully, The Skulls delivers the silver spoon (only slightly tarnished by time) and takes us on high class field trip usually reserved for the 1%.

THE PLOT (best if read to classical music):

Luke is a bastard-child local who gets unexpectedly accepted to Harvard. While in the midst of applying for Harvard Law, he receives a mysterious phone call that begins his initiation into the most prestigious Secret Society on campus – the elusive Skulls. He life changes immediately, much to the distress of his token black friend, Will, and his are-we-dating-or-not female figure, Chloe aka Blondie, as he is required to participate in bizarre tasks and bonding rituals on call and at odd hours of the night. As he grows closer to his assigned Skull-mate Caleb Mandrake (played by Paul Walker), Will acts more erratically until he provokes the Skulls, ending in disaster. Luke ends up trapped between The Skulls and the friendships he held before he was initiated when Will’s actions become part of a larger scheme for governmental and organizational overthrow.

THE GOOD:

The casting in this movie is phenomenal. I’m pretty sure I buy into this movie just because of the way people look.

Paul Walker looks harmless and preppy. William Petersen looks intelligent and kind. Craig T. Nelson looks too strict for his own good. Joshua Jackson literally has a bit of a low-brow going on. Hill Harper looks like miscellaneous non-threatening academic black dude. Leslie Bibb is blonde.

It might sound like I’m making fun but everyone really does look exactly like you think they would. Although, there were no Asians. Wouldn’t there be Asains?

Blondie, Preppy, and Lowbrow. Not pictured: Asians.

This movie does a really good job of sucking you into what’s happening. I was serious about the most interesting crew race of all time. I don’t know much about crew, but I do know the boats pretty much go in a straight line. The crew race was one of my favorite portions, however, with people bailing over the sides with their oars breaking and really getting a feel for the intensity inside of the boat – I was totally sold. It was very well shot and was a great climatic scene that gave a plot break from the main Skulls story line.

“We did it! We made a good crew scene!”

The Skulls also does a great job of slowly escalating the plot. In the beginning, it seems we will just be watching Luke get involved in The Skulls society – but by the end of it, there are tons of pieces of information and I had started building fan theories around information that didn’t get referenced again (example: I think Will Petersen’s character is Luke’s absent father, but it’s never mentioned). Instead of just focusing of Luke’s experience with integrating into The Skulls, the movie expands to show how the integration process is actually part of a larger puzzle (Caleb is Craig T. Nelson’s son, who is rivaling with Will Peterson, who has adopted Luke even though Luke and Caleb are assigned “soul mates”, and it just piles up from there). I was really glad that The Skulls took the opportunity to explore the bigger implications of a secret society instead of just “Yay, I got in! Now what?”

And when they are showing the inner workings, the set designs are stellar. Who ever was in charge of all that did an awesome job.

THE BAD:

Apparently the casting is so good that what is actually happening doesn’t really matter. I call this the TV Crime Show theory (which is funny, given that William Petersen/Gil Grissom is in this). The entire movie could be just as well understood if it was in another language – which might not be a horrible thing to do, because some of the information we get in the dialogue is truly cringe-worthy, even though it’s performed convincingly across the board. Just don’t think about it too much.

I was also confused as to why everyone getting initiated except for Luke and Caleb Mandrake was a silent, bumbling idiot (Luke and Caleb “not” being that…is up to interpretation). Intelligence is apparently not a high ranking trait needed to be an influential politician. Hey-o!

Never before have I wanted to know less about characters and begged them to stop talking. Blondie has trust issues because some guy she was sleeping with also ended up being a Skull and when she asked him about it one time he got all upset and walked out of the room and never returned okay STOP. Seriously, I don’t care. Get over it. He was in the THE SKULLS. Ya know, the people that are groomed to be president and Supreme Court Justices and such? No one cares about your petty trust issues. You should have kept your mouth shut and married that fool and been First Lady Dumb Blonde.

Actually about 90% of my issues with this movie come back to me whining, “But it’s THE SKUUUULLLLLSSS!” so I’ll skip to the chase:

Luke, you’re in The Skulls. Ditch your whiney friends and buddy up with your new powerful ones. For fuck’s sake you could be president.

Will, Luke is in The Skulls. Stop whining and buddy up with your new powerful friend. For fuck’s sake he could be president.

Blondie, Luke is in The Skulls. Stop crying and buddy up with your new powerful fuckbuddy. For fuck’s sake he could be president.

Of course, if they had just done all that it would have been 106 mins of Luke and his friends partying together and chanting, “Luke got in The Skulls!” over and over and spraying champagne on each other.

FINAL VERDICT:

This movie is old-school high class all around. 4 out of 5 silver spoons!