Because I’m onl…

Because I’m only selectively a corporate whore, The Eyewash Station will now also review non-Instant Queue movies, provided that they belong to the same demographic in that they are independent, rentable, out-of-theatres, and/or older flicks that I am viewing for the first time.

This way, my fellow movie-viewers and I can continue to support local movie rental hubs like Scarecrow Video (located in Seattle’s University District) and independent films without Netflix distribution. Plus, it allows me to host a whole bunch of terrible 80s and 90s flicks that just aren’t Netflix material (wrong audience in terms of marketing), and no one wants to miss out on that, right?

Nine Dead

Nine Dead – the kinder, gentler version of Saw starring Melissa Joan Hart and eight actors I’ve never heard of handcuffed to stripper poles.

This poster looks much more…Human Centipede-y than it is. Actually, this poster looks nothing like anything about the movie.

THE PLOT:

Nine people awaken in a room, each handcuffed to floor-to-ceiling poles to keep them separated from each other. The group ranges from a few petty crooks, a skeezy strip club owner, a police officer, an assistant to the District Attorney, a priest, a convicted pedophile/rapist, an insurance papergrinder, to a non-English speaking storeowner. They are told that one of them will be killed every ten minutes unless they can figure out they have all been gathered there – including the ones that have been killed, so getting information fast becomes more and more vital as the movie goes on. If they get the answer right, the killer will turn himself in. Unfortunately, everyone in the room has secrets to hide and no one seems to want to place nice, even at the price of their own lives.

THE GOOD:

Melissa Joan Hart plays a bitchy lawyer and while she is still pretty much Melissa Joan Hart, I like Melissa Joan Hart so it didn’t bother me. The acting all around is pretty good and I believe the characters are “people” – although I have a hunch that just seeing Nine Dead on paper wouldn’t do much for me, meaning there must have been real strides in there on part of the director and actors to make this worth watching.

The killing is simple and effective – straight gunshot to the head or chest – and skips the mechanical wizardry we’ve come to expect from “trapped in a room by a killer” stories, allowing the movie to progress faster and focus on the characters instead of the violence.

The best thing about the writing was that it (appropriately! realistically!) steered the conversation away from the task at hand to talk of escaping, trying to escape, and accusations.

THE BAD:

What the writing excelled at with person-to-person conflict it totally bit the dust on death scenes and Melissa Joan Hart’s character. About 2/3 of the way through the movie the characters start having a lot of “change of heart” moments that feel very false (you’re going to have a change of heart NOW?!) and the aspects that define the characters (such as Melissa Joan Hart’s aggressiveness) widdle away into something completely different (turns into whining and passive-aggressiveness).

…said the angry, scary, gun-selling robber who had no interest in anything but keeping his mouth shut  despite the presence of a priest in the room.

My favorite death scene is the strip club owner who faces down the barrel of the gun because he feels he is being killed for how he does business, which he is proud of.

Everyone else seems to suddenly get all fruity, magically jump in front of bullets meant for someone else even though they’re still cuffed, etc. The other problem is that the killer gets reaaaaaallly close to everyone and whispers to them before he kills them (presumably who he is/why they are here) but instead of yelling it out to everyone before they are shot, or instead of trying to poke out his eyeballs or something, they just…die.

Every 10 mins the killer comes in to kill someone and we have the same conversation: “Why are you here?” “We don’t know, we need more time!” What, have you people never thought about how to deal with a serial killer before? You’re the worst bargainers ever.  The movie begins to get stale because apparently the writer thought copy/paste was climactic.

Anyone getting dejavu yet?

No?

Don’t worry, you will by the 5th time or so.

But the ultimate worst is the end. Our captives are dropping faster than pubescent boys’ pantaloons but they finally piece it all together, with no help to token bitch Melissa who’s “change of heart,” unluckily for her fellow cellmates, is to apparently to try to stop the truth from getting out at all costs because it….makes her look bad. So, just as she is about to be freed by the killer, she kills him, and the father of her child (who was one of the other captives), and the other survivor, and slips out a really obvious back door while the cops enter through the front to shut everything down, leaving loads and loads of evidence for them to find.  Away she slips into the darkness, to live another day and to care for her child we didn’t even know about until the movie was almost over. Total mood killer (no pun intended).

Melissa Joan Hart, Mood Killer.

THE FINAL VERDICT:

This movie is survivable but if you’re a diehard suspense-thriller fan, you might have to be chained to a pole yourself to make it through. While it has some great moments and good acting, it’s inconsistent at best and the ending will make you want to kill the writer for real. Ultimately, Nine Dead gets 2.5 poles out of 5.

Video Game High School

There seems to be absolutely no way that Video Game High School (VGHS) could be anything but a cheesy, 8-bit knock-off of Sky High. I’ll admit that I went into it expecting something tragic, but instead I was treated to a unique coming-of-age saga that split my sides. Although Netflix plays this in movie format, it’s actually season 1 of the VGHS webseries. Settle in because we have a lot of ground to cover!

THE PLOT:

VGHS takes place in a slightly-altered Earth where competitive gaming is considered a prestigious and influential sport. VGHS, an exclusive and reputable gaming-centered high school (that seems to be set up more like a college) militaristically shapes the best young gamers in the country to be superior and ruthless in-game. On a fluke, Brian kills VHGS’s top ranking student, Law, and gains admittance to his dream school – but soon realizes he is on nearly everyone’s hit list as the “Law Killer.” Well, nearly everyone. His unscathable roomie, Ted, and fellow transfer, KI, join him on his journey as he battles bosses, struggles to stay in school, get onto the JV battle team, and falls in love with his mentor, Jenny Matrix.

THE GOOD:

Diversity! Lead Asian-American male loves white leader female. Asian best friend dates quirky white girl. Black dude in awesome leather jacket hangs out with white and Asian kids. Male and female players for combat, rhythm/music, racing games and in varying levels with no sense of “racial side character X.” People are judged by their point ranking and skills rather than physical features, although it’s not stated so blatantly in film (thankfully!). I suppose in a world where one’s virtual reality identity are so important, it would makes sense that physical gender, race, and sexual orientation would fall by the wayside.

A behind-the-scenes look at (all?) the main and side actors involved in Season 1 of VGHS (taken at the Season 1 after party)

Writing! It takes a lot for me to invest in coming-of-age films. Something about youth-aimed films always rub me as petty and false, and I find myself asking, “Who cares?” VGHS manages to sidestep all of that by taking everything to a 90’s level of comedy – which is a compliment! – so that it’s this extremist, almost absurd physical and awkward comedy that rings SuperBad meets Anchorman meets Dodgeball. It’s this weird “too serious about a non-serious subject shot seriously” on top of some genuine awkward teen moments and they pull it off really well. Plus, there’s some great self-referencing and subtle jokes that shouldn’t be over looked just because this show is dressed as comedic DeGrassi.

Shooting! It might seem weird to see “Writing” and “Shooting” as two good things a movie does well – but seriously, when the two things are done well together it feels like a refreshing change of pace (make a note, movie industry!). The writing works hand-in-hand with the styled cinematography of VGHS, covering everything from cinematic in-game play (so it looks like you’re in a war zone – great way to switch up from the school monotony) to hyper dramatic slow-motion deaths to intense DDR-style dance offs – oh yeah, they got it all. There wasn’t a single shot in the WHOLE MOVIE that I felt was overdone or out of place. Over all the series was shot very minimally. It gave it this approachable, realistic feel that heightened the hilarity and the intensity of the stylized bits and made the absurdity of the day-to-day school activities very organic. Additionally, the special effects actually looked great – imagine that! – so I didn’t feel pulled out of the movie every 10 minutes by some crappy CGI. Gold stars for everyone!

Casting! Aside from just the diversity factor, all the lead and supporting characters are cast perfectly.  All characters had the token realistic-vibe of an indie production, and we’re even treated to YouTube celebrity Harley Morenstein, aka The Guy From Epic Meal Time, as the Dean of VGHS.

THE BAD:

Just Give In: This is definitely the kind of movie that you have to buy into in order to enjoy it. The cheese level is meant to be funny, but I could understand it being annoying if it’s not your style. The first few minutes are the worst of it and it gets exponentially better from there – so give it a shot and try to buy into it, but VGHS certainly falls into a niche humor group.

For The Young-ins: The overall tone of VGHS is definitely that of a younger audience. We’re talking no sex, no violence, modest clothes – which personally, I think accentuates the over-the-top writing style and keeps the tone absurdist and light, but means that if you’re a fan of Gamer or other video game gore-fest movies, this will bore you to tears. Instead of blood, people burst into pixels when shot on the battle field. This is a show about awkward first kisses, and not in a “brought to you by Quentin Tarantino” sense. It has somewhat of a Nickelodeon/Josh and Drake feel to it.

What great high school dramady doesn’t have a locker-stuffing scene?

Low-Budget: The low-budget aspect of VGHS is both a plus and a minus. Although they stuck well in their budget range so we don’t have terrible CGI effects running rampant, more could have been done with the “in-game” simulation which feels sparse at times. It grew on me eventually and I ended up appreciating the switch from seeing just the kids playing the games, but in the beginning I found it lacking.

“In game” battle – Jenny Matrix, our love interest and combat leader.

THE FINAL VERDICT:

Video Game High School is definitely worth the watch if you like to keep tabs on up and coming webseries, especially those with a nerdy flair. VGHS sticks to its virtual guns and creates a hilarious, absurdist alternate reality with its tight-knit writing, and it has a unique flavor that earns it the title of unexpected c-c-c-combo breaker! Final score: 3.5 HP (out of 5).

           

The Skulls

Are you ready for the most exciting crew race in the history of crew races? Are you a conspiracy nut who wants a look at the formation of the Secret Societies ™ that run our great country? Do you believe in the Ivy League but are just a stupid townie? THEN DO I HAVE A MOVIE FOR YOU!

Growing up in an era of recession-inspired movies has left me with a dollar-sign shaped hole in my heart. It’s hard to find high society flicks these days unless you dust off American Psycho or do the time warp into Marie Antoinette. Thankfully, The Skulls delivers the silver spoon (only slightly tarnished by time) and takes us on high class field trip usually reserved for the 1%.

THE PLOT (best if read to classical music):

Luke is a bastard-child local who gets unexpectedly accepted to Harvard. While in the midst of applying for Harvard Law, he receives a mysterious phone call that begins his initiation into the most prestigious Secret Society on campus – the elusive Skulls. He life changes immediately, much to the distress of his token black friend, Will, and his are-we-dating-or-not female figure, Chloe aka Blondie, as he is required to participate in bizarre tasks and bonding rituals on call and at odd hours of the night. As he grows closer to his assigned Skull-mate Caleb Mandrake (played by Paul Walker), Will acts more erratically until he provokes the Skulls, ending in disaster. Luke ends up trapped between The Skulls and the friendships he held before he was initiated when Will’s actions become part of a larger scheme for governmental and organizational overthrow.

THE GOOD:

The casting in this movie is phenomenal. I’m pretty sure I buy into this movie just because of the way people look.

Paul Walker looks harmless and preppy. William Petersen looks intelligent and kind. Craig T. Nelson looks too strict for his own good. Joshua Jackson literally has a bit of a low-brow going on. Hill Harper looks like miscellaneous non-threatening academic black dude. Leslie Bibb is blonde.

It might sound like I’m making fun but everyone really does look exactly like you think they would. Although, there were no Asians. Wouldn’t there be Asains?

Blondie, Preppy, and Lowbrow. Not pictured: Asians.

This movie does a really good job of sucking you into what’s happening. I was serious about the most interesting crew race of all time. I don’t know much about crew, but I do know the boats pretty much go in a straight line. The crew race was one of my favorite portions, however, with people bailing over the sides with their oars breaking and really getting a feel for the intensity inside of the boat – I was totally sold. It was very well shot and was a great climatic scene that gave a plot break from the main Skulls story line.

“We did it! We made a good crew scene!”

The Skulls also does a great job of slowly escalating the plot. In the beginning, it seems we will just be watching Luke get involved in The Skulls society – but by the end of it, there are tons of pieces of information and I had started building fan theories around information that didn’t get referenced again (example: I think Will Petersen’s character is Luke’s absent father, but it’s never mentioned). Instead of just focusing of Luke’s experience with integrating into The Skulls, the movie expands to show how the integration process is actually part of a larger puzzle (Caleb is Craig T. Nelson’s son, who is rivaling with Will Peterson, who has adopted Luke even though Luke and Caleb are assigned “soul mates”, and it just piles up from there). I was really glad that The Skulls took the opportunity to explore the bigger implications of a secret society instead of just “Yay, I got in! Now what?”

And when they are showing the inner workings, the set designs are stellar. Who ever was in charge of all that did an awesome job.

THE BAD:

Apparently the casting is so good that what is actually happening doesn’t really matter. I call this the TV Crime Show theory (which is funny, given that William Petersen/Gil Grissom is in this). The entire movie could be just as well understood if it was in another language – which might not be a horrible thing to do, because some of the information we get in the dialogue is truly cringe-worthy, even though it’s performed convincingly across the board. Just don’t think about it too much.

I was also confused as to why everyone getting initiated except for Luke and Caleb Mandrake was a silent, bumbling idiot (Luke and Caleb “not” being that…is up to interpretation). Intelligence is apparently not a high ranking trait needed to be an influential politician. Hey-o!

Never before have I wanted to know less about characters and begged them to stop talking. Blondie has trust issues because some guy she was sleeping with also ended up being a Skull and when she asked him about it one time he got all upset and walked out of the room and never returned okay STOP. Seriously, I don’t care. Get over it. He was in the THE SKULLS. Ya know, the people that are groomed to be president and Supreme Court Justices and such? No one cares about your petty trust issues. You should have kept your mouth shut and married that fool and been First Lady Dumb Blonde.

Actually about 90% of my issues with this movie come back to me whining, “But it’s THE SKUUUULLLLLSSS!” so I’ll skip to the chase:

Luke, you’re in The Skulls. Ditch your whiney friends and buddy up with your new powerful ones. For fuck’s sake you could be president.

Will, Luke is in The Skulls. Stop whining and buddy up with your new powerful friend. For fuck’s sake he could be president.

Blondie, Luke is in The Skulls. Stop crying and buddy up with your new powerful fuckbuddy. For fuck’s sake he could be president.

Of course, if they had just done all that it would have been 106 mins of Luke and his friends partying together and chanting, “Luke got in The Skulls!” over and over and spraying champagne on each other.

FINAL VERDICT:

This movie is old-school high class all around. 4 out of 5 silver spoons!

 

Aziz Ansari: Intimate Moments for a Sensual Evening

One of my favorite things about Netflix is the variety of live stand-up comedy specials available for viewing. Although I’ve never reviewed any stand-up before, I thought I’d take a whack at with Aziz Ansari: Intimate Moments for a Sensual Evening.

BASICS:

Aziz is known for his TV comedy work (Parks and Recreation, Scrubs) and memorable film side characters (I Love You Man, Funny People, Get Him to the Greek, 30 Minutes or Less). He’s one of the few identifiable Indian-America stars in mainstream Hollywood (the only other one I can think of off the top of my head is Maulik Pancholy, who plays Jack’s assistant Jonathan on 30 Rock) and one of two Indian-heritage comedians I can think of (the other being Russell Peters, an Indian-Candian comedian). Unlike Russell Peters, however, Aziz steers away from Indo-culture clash jokes and instead talks about his daily life, ranging from tormenting his teen cousin online to silly celebrity encounters.

THE GOOD:

It’s difficult for me to judge a comedy routine because so much of my opinion depends on the structure of the jokes alone. Aziz follows a Mitch Hedberg-ian format of small vignette stories with unexpected ended – which I love!  While Mitch Hedberg has an air of innocence to him, Aziz dirties it up a little bit. He also switches up the surprise endings so the material maintains freshness throughout.

Aziz does a hilarious Kanye impression and hearing him recount signing up for his teen cousin’s online study group just to mess with him is epic. I like it when he gets into story mode and his jokes are more like comical observations interwoven into the tale. At times it feels more like a conversation than a show, which is great!

THE BAD:

During the portion of the show where Aziz goes through celebrity encounter stories, it begins to feel like name dropping after a certain amount of time. I get that it’s the life that he lives, but I don’t want to feel like he’s telling me just so I know he hangs out with A-listers.

The end of the show is the “Raaaaaaaandy!” portion of the show – probably more tolerable if you’ve seen Funny People, which I have not. Aziz plays a character named Randy who makes the same joke over and over. By the end, it was so repetitive I became convinced that I, too, could become a comedian. Even the audience participation portion felt predictable.

THE VERDICT:

Great stand-up special over all. If you aren’t feeling it, don’t feel guilty about quitting early. If you’re looking for Raaaaaaaandy, skip to the end.

I give Aziz 3.5 mics out of 5.

Movies We Started But Couldn’t Finish

Some movies are so bad that they’re good (read: Toxic Avenger is a classic example). But some movies are in that awkward middle ground where they’re not quite good enough to get all the way through, but not quite bad enough to make it comically survivable. Netflix is like a breeding ground for these half-hearted lacklusters. Here’s the recent list of flicks we started but couldn’t finish:

Mission Impossible (1): 87 mins of 110 total

If you search for Mission Impossible in Google Images, you’ll find approximate 1 bajillion pictures of Tom cruise hanging  like a graceful sub from a swing. Why? Because it’s one of the few action sequences in this entire goddamn movie. What is this, Mission: Talking Heads? The genre has moved so far into explosions and lazor beams that this MI1 has not held up at all over time. Can we all just admit that we don’t go to movies to see Tom talk? Blow some shit up or something. Jesus.

Spoiler Alert: I fell asleep.

Vile: 16 mins of 87 total

Vile lives up to its name. This movie is so bad that there’s not even any stills on it’s IMDB page. The opening sequence has some not-too-terrible footage of vials or pills being made while handfuls of salt is being shoved in a shallow chest wound. You know, the kind of stuff that makes you go, “Ouch…I guess?” Then, the next timewarp-y 10 minutes is a pregnant girl in the woods trying to get the guts to tell her boyfriend, who she is happy with, that she is pregnant. And then they stay in the woods another night. And she pretty much doesn’t talk at all. It’s super boring. I actually thought that I had watched this movie for a lot longer than I had.

Anyway, eventually they get tear-gassed or something by some lady and then they wake up and there’s more people and someone pulls out a tooth. At this point, none of us cared anymore about Preggers McGee so we moved on to Osombie.

Osombie: 24 mins of 94 total

Osombie’s writer has surprisingly done other films. Or at least, I was surprised.

The name is exactly what it sounds like – Zombie Osama Bin Laden. I have no idea why they didn’t call it Zombie Bin Laden or Osama Bin Zombie or something less convoluted, but the point is that Zombie Laden has taken a page from Davey Jones and risen from his watery grave to once again wreck havoc…this time with the aid of zombie terrorists.

And, of course, the only thing stopping him is an idiotic yoga instructor inexplicably wearing fur-lined gloves in the desert looking for her conspiracy nut blogger brother, who teams up with a special military task unit (complete with swords!) and camo paintball uniforms (we think those were an accident, but the logo was still on them and we got a good laugh out of that).

Although we didn’t finish this one – my poor boyfriend couldn’t stand it – I’m hoping to go back and finish this one for it’s sheer terrible-ness.

Snoop Dog: PuffPuffPass Tour  2 mins of 197 total

Available for just $3.58 on Amazon.com, you can now watch this PowerPoint monstrosity anytime on your PSP!

There is not enough weed on the planet to make the graphics in this tolerable.

Blue State: 39 mins of 92 total

This movie sounded right up my political niche. Liberal blogger dude that looks like Bill Maher rants about how he should move to Canada to get away from recently re-elected W. Bush until out of the BLUE (har har) he gets an offer from a group called “Marry a Canadian” interested in helping him relocate and get his citizenship.

Without much plot development, he interviews a bunch of male road trip partners, whom he meet via roadside flyers. He instead chooses to drive into the sunset with the only girl who responded (who we see having some kind of nose-piercing, blue-hair-dying identity crisis briefly before they meet) even though they have nothing in common.

Now, this sounds like a romantic comedy of sorts, right? Wrong. The girl, played by TruBlood’s Sooki (Anna Paquin) just refuses to talk the whole time and have no opinions. You know, like a proper woman! But we believe in her because she has, ya know, blue hair and stuff.

We quit about the time that nothing was happening 40 mins into the film.

Grave Encounters

Ever been watching one of those boring paranormal ‘reality’ shows and wondered what would happen if the so-called experts actually pissed off a malevolent ghostie? Well, thanks to Grave Encounters, now that fantasy can be lived out for real! Well, kind of. Through a movie, anyway.

Grave Encounters was released in 2011 and is available for viewing on Netflix Instant Queue. I have no idea who the Vicious Brothers are, but apparently they made this.

THE PLOT:

Grave Encounters is the name of a no-budget ghost-seeking TV show in the midst of filming its first season. It stars charismatic host Lance Preston (Sean Rogerson), “occult expert” Sasha Parker (Ashleigh Gryzko), minority camera man T.C. Gibson (Merwin Mondesir), nerdy tech guy Matt White (Juan Riedinger), and fake “I think there’s a demon in here!” medium Houston Gray (McKenzie Gray).

Our bumbling production crew does a lock-in style overnight session at a supposedly haunted asylum and is pleased to get some actual paranormal activity on camera! However, their ride back to civilization never shows back up. As the crew members slowly starve and lose their emotional stability, the hauntings of the asylum torture them more and more, including getting them lost in the maze-like building, breaking their equipment, and, of course, killing them in all kinds of fun manners. This is all shown to the audience as “found footage” (a la the movies REC, Paranormal Activity or The Blair Witch Project) via the crew’s handicams and the static cams they set up around the building when they first arrived.

THE GOOD:

While the plot might sound cliché, this movie is actually put together pretty well! The jump scenes are jumpy and inconsistent enough to make creepy static shots of the abandoned asylum hallways give me the shudders, even when nothing is happening. If you’re the type of person who makes yourself jump at night, this movie will work well for you. The ambiance of the film (abandoned asylum covered in graffiti with tunnels, medical supplies, giant bathrooms with rusty tubs, scrawled messages from old patients left on the wall) will also work well for people who get the heeby-jeebies from loony-bins (like me!).

 

It’s also not very often I actually “get along” with horror movie characters. Admittedly, I felt like this film was aimed more towards movie-makers (a couple of good jams at reality TV, film making in general,  subtle interviews gone wrong kind of jokes that might go over a non-filmie’s head) , but most of all I liked that these people had a reason to be there. Most of the time in horror movies, I spend 90% of the time asking, “Why would you DO that!?” but it makes sense for a paranormal activity TV crew to go somewhere haunted, and to be unprepared if they are unbelievers doing it just for their show. Finally, some actual movie in a horror flick! It also justifies the “found footage” look – bonus points!

There are also some really nice in-camera tricks (doorways recognized from before in different places, things moving around) that are done really well and up the scares with their subtlety. I can dig that!

THE BAD:

 Much like a celluloid ghost, this feels eerily familiar. The found footage thing is getting pretty old, and while it is justified in this movie, I do wish that it had been enhanced in some ways – maybe more of a mockumentary mixed in with the footage?

“But that’s not so bad!” You think to yourself. “Just critiquing some of the structure and what not!”

But seriously, the special effects in this movie are SO BAD that they are LAUGHABLE. While the in-camera effects are great, the ones they tried to do in post look like they gave an intern free reign over it and then didn’t double check his work. It’s so bad that the movie goes from scare fest to laugh fest in about 4 seconds flat.

There’s this whole face-melty-screaming-I’m yelling-at-you-but-I-never-catch-you-thing that I can’t understand of the life of me. How can this ghost thing like, never catch you even though it’s behind you by a foot like, all the time? And it’s destroying everything around you….except you? What?

 

And then a lot of the end of the movie is just them running and hiding and running and hiding. Like you can hide from a ghost! Har har har. That fucker knows you’re there! Just saying.

There’s also this weird fog that comes in a “steals” away one of the last crew members (they are of course being picked off one-by-one)…she just…..drifts away. Like, fades out. After all the hiding and kicking and screaming, she just fades away into a puff of CGI smoke.

But the WORST! The WORST is the CGI hand fest coming through the walls and ceilings. It’s like a terrible half-rendered hodge-podge of see-thought cylinder-shaped CG arms flailing around from the ceiling and walls as everyone runs through them being scared. Fuck that! I’m not running through no CG arms! Seriously though, it is HORRIBLE. That scene in particular took me out of the movie for a solid couple of scenes before I could let myself get immersed again.

Immunnatouchyu!

FINAL VERDICT:

This is actually one of my favorite “found footage” movies that I have seen to date (except for Grave Encounters 2….yeah, you heard me! That’s up next!). CGI horriblness aside, it’s worth watching if you are a film junkie or if you love some well-done bad horror flicks. Also, you should really watch it so you can watch Grave Encounters 2.

All in all, I give this Grave Encounters an arbitrary rating of 3.5 graves out of 5.